[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
The fall of Netflix
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,