*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
You Might Also Like
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!