Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dorsalstream's best tweets

@dorsalstream : My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she's giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

@dorsalstream: NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

@dorsalstream: HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won't show their skeletons for months.

@dorsalstream: [while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

@dorsalstream: [being held hostage]

ME: [dejected] I thought there’d be more actual holding involved.

@dorsalstream: I've decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

@dorsalstream: DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just ... just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

@dorsalstream: [packing for work trip]

"Honey, where is our business ketchup?"

@dorsalstream: Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

@dorsalstream: DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.