Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dorsalstream's best tweets

@dorsalstream : ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need. GOD: I told you to stop calling me that. ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

@dorsalstream: [knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

@dorsalstream: [uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

@dorsalstream: [burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

@dorsalstream: DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

@dorsalstream: SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
...
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

@dorsalstream: [time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

@dorsalstream: casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

@dorsalstream: My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she's giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

@dorsalstream: NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]