Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dorsalstream's best tweets

@dorsalstream : me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

@dorsalstream: *pounding on Sunday's still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

@dorsalstream: When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I'm the ocean's lawyer. "Sorry, I have to take this," I say holding a seashell to my ear. "It's my best client."

@dorsalstream: ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

@dorsalstream: [dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

@dorsalstream: If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

@dorsalstream: [being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn't lied to a witch at some point?

@dorsalstream: ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

@dorsalstream: [knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now