Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dorsalstream's best tweets

@dorsalstream : If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

@dorsalstream: [being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn't lied to a witch at some point?

@dorsalstream: ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

@dorsalstream: [knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

@dorsalstream: [uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

@dorsalstream: [burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

@dorsalstream: DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

@dorsalstream: SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
...
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

@dorsalstream: [time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

@dorsalstream: casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet