Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
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If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.