Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I put the h in mysterious.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby