*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
i smell a pulitzer
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.