Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option