Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
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We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots