I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.