Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can't jump, Alex.
@dreamthievin: Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
@dreamthievin: One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
@dreamthievin: I need a guy who's cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
@dreamthievin: Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
@dreamthievin: "Ducklings are baby ducks," I say as I set the appetizer on the table. "Enjoy your dumplings, Ma'am."
@dreamthievin: People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what's it like to exercise?
@dreamthievin: Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer's
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer's