Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of drinksmcgee's best tweets

@drinksmcgee : Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed. *warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine

@drinksmcgee: [First time ever having sex]

Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?

*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris

Me: I was born ready.

@drinksmcgee: Her: I can’t believe how good of a listener you are! What’s your secret?
Me: Percocets.

@drinksmcgee: If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?

@drinksmcgee: *catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I've collected

@drinksmcgee: *buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily

@drinksmcgee: I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:

1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don't.

@drinksmcgee: Her: I’m so glad to finally meet you. I usually don’t meet men from the internet because they could be a serial killer or something. Hahaha.

Me: Hahaha. Define “serial”.

@drinksmcgee: My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.

Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.

@drinksmcgee: Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.