I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
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SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
HELP 😭
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?