When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
No Google it does not
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.