What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
that de-escalated quickly
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.