Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Saturday
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.