son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
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Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.