4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
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Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
seems like a niche market
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.