Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
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H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
This gonna be me in 2 weeks