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[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”