he was correct
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waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
spot the difference
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth