Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dumbbeezie's best tweets

@dumbbeezie : I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds

@dumbbeezie: People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

@dumbbeezie: Fuck off, automated sinks that give you three seconds of water to wash your filthy hands. You don’t know me

@dumbbeezie: I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

@dumbbeezie: If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

@dumbbeezie: Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

@dumbbeezie: I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

@dumbbeezie: I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

@dumbbeezie: I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

@dumbbeezie: I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink