I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
a god among men
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall