3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
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If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown