If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
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COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.