@duumb: Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I'm going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
@duumb: Me: Dammit I'm not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It's too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It's a Rolex.
@duumb: [remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
@duumb: [high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
@duumb: me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
@duumb: [kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers
[gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb
@duumb: doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
@duumb: journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]