Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye