Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dxblarssonENG's best tweets

@dxblarssonENG : Stupid cats stealing all our women.

@dxblarssonENG: It's weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.

@dxblarssonENG: Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.

@dxblarssonENG: Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

@dxblarssonENG: I'm such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night.

A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.

@dxblarssonENG: Top three reasons he doesn't text you back:

1. He's just not that into you
2. He's imaginary
3. He's a cat

@dxblarssonENG: Teenage daughter called me an old fart.

We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.

@dxblarssonENG: I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don't have any tattoos.

@dxblarssonENG: "No Karen I don't want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats" or as I usually say: "Awww how cute"

@dxblarssonENG: Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.