How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
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[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.