Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
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Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Room with a view.