Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.