Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
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“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment