Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out