Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
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If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.