Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin: