Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
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Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
not seeing the problem
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
we’re dead?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Born to be mild.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor