@eedrk: (reads about how guys who say girls don't need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world
@eedrk: "living well is the best revenge". yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right
@eedrk: alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i'm the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
@eedrk: Girl: Some1 in my house can't call 911 they'll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don't seem desperate): hey
@eedrk: [struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]
@eedrk: adrenaline does crazy shit to the human body. i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy so i went to the gym
@eedrk: ME: ppl call dogs "doggo" now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it
THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else?
@eedrk: you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor