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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…