Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of eeethanford's best tweets

@eeethanford : [awesome life of caterpillar] 1) all I do is eat, awesome 2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome 3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME

@eeethanford: But I would walk 500 miles

and I would walk 500 more

to be the man who walked 1000 miles

to get away from you.

I want a divorce.

@eeethanford: *Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Hello 911?
Please send all your ambulances

@eeethanford: Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?

Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about

@eeethanford: Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin?
Friend: Yes, because Kevin's friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides
Kevin: bro

@eeethanford: I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.