In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
You Might Also Like
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
WTF IS THAT!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.