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Page of eff_yeah_steph's best tweets

@eff_yeah_steph : Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

@eff_yeah_steph: I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

@eff_yeah_steph: Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

@eff_yeah_steph: Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

@eff_yeah_steph: Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

@eff_yeah_steph: If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

@eff_yeah_steph: Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

@eff_yeah_steph: We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

@eff_yeah_steph: Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

@eff_yeah_steph: *first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like...Lucifer.