Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of eff_yeah_steph's best tweets

@eff_yeah_steph : Me: *getting off the couch* I’ll be right back. Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

@eff_yeah_steph: If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

@eff_yeah_steph: Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

@eff_yeah_steph: We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

@eff_yeah_steph: Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

@eff_yeah_steph: *first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like...Lucifer.

@eff_yeah_steph: Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

@eff_yeah_steph: *in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

@eff_yeah_steph: People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.