Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of egg_dog's best tweets

@egg_dog : cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

@egg_dog: a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

@egg_dog: dunno what the best part of this is? being called 'jack sexty' or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

@egg_dog: Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there's a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

@egg_dog: [death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

@egg_dog: Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

@egg_dog: facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

@egg_dog: supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

@egg_dog: good prank: sneak into someone's house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

@egg_dog: like people say things like 'tuna fish' but not 'duck bird' or 'dad father'