My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?