[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.