So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
my first dose meeting my second
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*