Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of elle91's best tweets

@elle91 : Me: Holy shit I have so much to do [Has a snack] [Takes a nap] [Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l [Stares at a tree] Holy shit I have so much to do [Has a snack]

@elle91: My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

@elle91: How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don't add up here.

@elle91: In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

@elle91: What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

@elle91: Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can't because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

@elle91: I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

@elle91: Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

@elle91: Me: Ok I'm just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

@elle91: Guess who's got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?