Funny Tweeter

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Page of elle91's best tweets

@elle91 : [On a date] Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I'm a sucker for a good pun. Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you'd be a jeramisu. Him: Me: Him: Me: jeramisu

@elle91: This is my cat's medicine.

@elle91: I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying "yeah, of course" every few minutes.

@elle91: Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we're here for an ultrasound.

@elle91: [3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I'm asking about you, specifically.

@elle91: Me: Why'd my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don't want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

@elle91: When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

@elle91: Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you're too late.

@elle91: If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

@elle91: Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]