Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of elle91's best tweets

@elle91 : Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

@elle91: I'm afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can't tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

@elle91: Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn't recognize them because they've gotten so big.

@elle91: How to tell if you're wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That's too much.

@elle91: In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

@elle91: A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

@elle91: Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I'm very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

@elle91: "I'm going to make a great mother one day" I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

@elle91: Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

@elle91: The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.