Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
You Might Also Like
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
don’t be scared
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”