Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My beach vacation Google searches
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”