We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
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I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
*limbos away from your hug*
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Tough love is true love
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about