I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
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Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Have kids, they said
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???