Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of eminmien's best tweets

@eminmien : "How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?" "Eels?" "Okay, eels." I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

@eminmien: "Do you expect me to talk?" He asks.

"No, Mr Bond." I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, "I expect you to cry."

@eminmien: [BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He's taken out by dozens of cats]

@eminmien: You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can't spell.

@eminmien: "Welcome, Mr. Bond." I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

@eminmien: RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

@eminmien: AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I'm trying but- I can't make ur life any worse.

@eminmien: "Faster!" I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

"I'm trying!" Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

@eminmien: Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts "don't touch the mannequins!"

@eminmien: We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

"Please stop narrating everything."