Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of eminmien's best tweets

@eminmien : AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!! ME: [picks it up] I feel fine. AMULET: uh, I'm trying but- I can't make ur life any worse.

@eminmien: "Faster!" I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

"I'm trying!" Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

@eminmien: Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts "don't touch the mannequins!"

@eminmien: We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

"Please stop narrating everything."

@eminmien: My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don't know what to think.

@eminmien: "What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?"
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she's seen something she shouldn't.

@eminmien: WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He's not ready for anything serious right now.

@eminmien: "There's nothing wrong with being single."

No.

"I've got plenty of time."

Sure.

"I'm not lonely."

Sir, are you going to buy anything?