The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.