GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
X-tra spooky blend
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
So true for me
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal